Have I told you how I love you?
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But when I did, it was beautiful. Not just in the poetic cheesy sense, but also in a wispy bubbly way. It was strange, feeling these strong feelings of attraction again. I wasn't ready, I didn't think I was capable of feeling again. I had to think for almost 5 months since after she confessed before agreeing to being with my ex and even then, I didn't feel this... this intense feeling.
This schoolboy feeling. The feeling you get when you first confess to the girl you like. Standing there in the hallway, hoping she didn't find you weird. Giving her your most sincere smile and hoping she doesn't notice the stain on your shirt. This, excitement, the excitement that comes with knowing something beautiful is about to transpire. Feeling your heart pump when you look into her eyes, trying hard not to scare her away.
I was so sure I had forgotten that feeling.
Yet when I saw you, you with your long straight hair, cute button nose sitting in between a pair of wide inquisitive eyes, framed by your glasses, and your lips, oh those lips, I would have given anything to be able to kiss those lips I thought. I saw you, and I felt like I have never felt in years. There I was again, looking at someone far above my station, someone I was so sure would never be able to love me.
I suppressed the feelings of course, I told myself, "It will pass. No point trying to get close, I have seen her types before, they will end up being too busy with school and all the other various activities they participate in. Keep your distance, keep your heart out of this."
And yet, the night before we met and I knew we would be alone due to the absence of out mutual friend. I found myself awake in bed, wondering, if I should talk to you, and if so, how? What could we possibly talk about? I didn't know much about you. And yet, I so desperately wanted to. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night.
Of course, I teased you the day after, I did not mean it of course, some part... no, a big part of me wanted it to just be a joke, that you didn't have any love interests, and that I could find a way to worm my way into your heart. When you said his name, I felt, to be honest, horribly devastated. He was a good guy, and I couldn't bear to take him from you, and you from him. I left, I put on my mask, and smiled.
I wish you could have seen the smile on my face when you texted me later that day. My heart was hopeful, but reserved. All I could do was offer you advice on how to approach him. Can you imagine how I must have felt? Giving advice to the girl I liked, on how to approach another guy. Horrible.
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