Apologies for the length
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I am sorry. I am sorry I haven't been who and how you expect me to be. I'm sorry I can't be there for you when you need me to. I'm sorry I was hasty, overzealous in trying to please you, I realize now it was too much, and that I might have intruded on your life.
This was never my intention.
I only wanted to give you what you said you didn't get from others. Attention, love, care, and someone who wants and accepts you as you are. You told me about how your school friends leave you alone to be with their partners, how lonely and rejected you sometimes feel. You told me about your heavy school work, courses, assignments, activities. You told me about your family problems too. It is all too similar to mine, and truly it is something others will never understand or feel.
I only wanted to provide all these for you. Someone who is always here for you. Someone who will drive for kilometers just to see you for a few minutes if you needed me to. Someone who can help you with your school work, and also share your pain.
I don't know anymore if this is what you want.
You told me you were getting distracted because of me. I have become a distraction to you. Maybe because your school friends now show you the attention you deserved. Maybe the guy who so mercilessly played with your feelings wants to text you now. Maybe some of the people you know don't seem to like me. I have become redundant.
But do you know the other sides of those stories? How he was shunned by the orchestra? How he walks in an hour late every time to the glare of everyone? How the musical director, (who plays the viola) looked at me last Wednesday and shook his head when he walked in? How my colleagues and friends who also play in the orchestra talk about them? How their faces contort and their expressions harden when he comes up?
Or how the other friend couldn't find a group to hang out with? His roommates left him alone, and sometimes hung out with me instead? How he was alone after the concert, just walking around aimlessly, waiting for anyone, any group to walk back with? How my friends would reject him joining us for lunch or dinner when I tried? How they ignored him when asking me out?
Do their opinions mean that much to you? Does my opinion mean anything at all? Do the facts change? Am I the one who always pisses people off?
I don't want to be just a distraction.
I understand, with all your school work and all your responsibilities and expectations. I really do, and if I'm busy like that, I hope you do too. And so go ahead, and do what you need to do, I can wait.
It isn't easy for me too.
Despite all I have done and experienced, you've made me feel in a way no other have. For some reason, I'm hanging onto hope after hope for our relationship to improve. And I will hold on, as long as you want to too.
There are many things we need to talk about.
We are different people. Maybe not as similar as we first hoped, but definitely not as polar as we think. I think the key is to accept each other. And I do accept you for who you are. I do not expect you to change your opinions or personality, and I certainly do not expect anything else from you than love. I hope you accept me for who I am too, with all my flaws. And also all my perks.
I know we don't know each other that well yet, but we will, telling me that the guy you used to like feels more comfortable though is a little unfair to me. Even if that was true, shouldn't the objective of us be to make each other the most comfortable person in each other's lives? Shouldn't getting to know each other and our habits and character be whats most fun? Shouldn't telling stories about our lives and what we've experienced be the lullabies we hear every night? I hope so.
You used to text me first when you could. Not anymore. You used to tell me how much you missed me. Not anymore. You used to like how I didn't give a care for anything in the world, how I always spoke my mind. Not anymore it seems.
I love you.
And if there was ever a time this was said more sincerely, it is now. And I am deathly scared of losing you. I don't know why. You are so special to me. More so than anyone I have met. I want to work out all these problems together with you. I want to come to a compromise with you. And I want to spend all my days with you. I love you, I really do. So please, give us a chance, don't give up on us.
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