and When the Clouds touch the Earth
·
Howling wind beckons
The soft and inevitable
The rain approaches
You rest your head
On my chest
My heartbeat in sync
With the sound of the rain
You draw a line down my back
Sending chills arching
I squirm and writhe
Like the lightning
You whisper in my ears
Words so reassuring
I smile in my sleep
Sounds of rain accompanying
The clouds touch the Earth
And the rain falls
You close your eyes
And kiss my lips
There it is
What I've been waiting for
Here it is
What did I worry for
Apologies for the length
·
I am sorry. I am sorry I haven't been who and how you expect me to be. I'm sorry I can't be there for you when you need me to. I'm sorry I was hasty, overzealous in trying to please you, I realize now it was too much, and that I might have intruded on your life.
This was never my intention.
I only wanted to give you what you said you didn't get from others. Attention, love, care, and someone who wants and accepts you as you are. You told me about how your school friends leave you alone to be with their partners, how lonely and rejected you sometimes feel. You told me about your heavy school work, courses, assignments, activities. You told me about your family problems too. It is all too similar to mine, and truly it is something others will never understand or feel.
I only wanted to provide all these for you. Someone who is always here for you. Someone who will drive for kilometers just to see you for a few minutes if you needed me to. Someone who can help you with your school work, and also share your pain.
I don't know anymore if this is what you want.
You told me you were getting distracted because of me. I have become a distraction to you. Maybe because your school friends now show you the attention you deserved. Maybe the guy who so mercilessly played with your feelings wants to text you now. Maybe some of the people you know don't seem to like me. I have become redundant.
But do you know the other sides of those stories? How he was shunned by the orchestra? How he walks in an hour late every time to the glare of everyone? How the musical director, (who plays the viola) looked at me last Wednesday and shook his head when he walked in? How my colleagues and friends who also play in the orchestra talk about them? How their faces contort and their expressions harden when he comes up?
Or how the other friend couldn't find a group to hang out with? His roommates left him alone, and sometimes hung out with me instead? How he was alone after the concert, just walking around aimlessly, waiting for anyone, any group to walk back with? How my friends would reject him joining us for lunch or dinner when I tried? How they ignored him when asking me out?
Do their opinions mean that much to you? Does my opinion mean anything at all? Do the facts change? Am I the one who always pisses people off?
I don't want to be just a distraction.
I understand, with all your school work and all your responsibilities and expectations. I really do, and if I'm busy like that, I hope you do too. And so go ahead, and do what you need to do, I can wait.
It isn't easy for me too.
Despite all I have done and experienced, you've made me feel in a way no other have. For some reason, I'm hanging onto hope after hope for our relationship to improve. And I will hold on, as long as you want to too.
There are many things we need to talk about.
We are different people. Maybe not as similar as we first hoped, but definitely not as polar as we think. I think the key is to accept each other. And I do accept you for who you are. I do not expect you to change your opinions or personality, and I certainly do not expect anything else from you than love. I hope you accept me for who I am too, with all my flaws. And also all my perks.
I know we don't know each other that well yet, but we will, telling me that the guy you used to like feels more comfortable though is a little unfair to me. Even if that was true, shouldn't the objective of us be to make each other the most comfortable person in each other's lives? Shouldn't getting to know each other and our habits and character be whats most fun? Shouldn't telling stories about our lives and what we've experienced be the lullabies we hear every night? I hope so.
You used to text me first when you could. Not anymore. You used to tell me how much you missed me. Not anymore. You used to like how I didn't give a care for anything in the world, how I always spoke my mind. Not anymore it seems.
I love you.
And if there was ever a time this was said more sincerely, it is now. And I am deathly scared of losing you. I don't know why. You are so special to me. More so than anyone I have met. I want to work out all these problems together with you. I want to come to a compromise with you. And I want to spend all my days with you. I love you, I really do. So please, give us a chance, don't give up on us.
Words unsaid, should remain so.
·
I sat in the chair reading the texts you sent. Each word, each syllable, a dagger to my heart. I did not understand. You told me you were tired of being abandoned. By him not replying your texts, by him not texting you, by him playing with your heart like a yoyo. Yet you miss him, you are more comfortable with him than with me. You trust him more and you would rather talk to him because he knew about your situation more.
Can't you see how you are being played? Like a marionette, moving to his every call and beckon. First comes concern and care, to draw you in, next comes abandonment, to make you yearn, then comes reward, which you will jump at.
All the while I am sitting here wondering where I went wrong. You wanted attention, someone to treat you like you deserved to be. Not just someone on the other end of the line texting words and words. I guess I failed. Now the daggers in my heart wouldn't go away, and the saltiness of my tears linger in my mouth.
I need to stop hurting myself.
Don't leave me alone
·
I pray
Don't leave me alone
With my thoughts
And my imaginations
They are dangerous
They hurt
And they doubt
Don't leave me alone
With these thoughts
They worry me
And I obsess
Are you fine?
Are you tired?
Are you happy?
Don't leave me alone
Please don't
Don't leave me alone
For my mind wanders
And I miss you
These titles are getting annoying
·
Your picture floats at the top right corner of my screen, your genuine smile, your carefree face. Sometimes I think Facebook introduced this feature, floating heads they call it, just so that I will be reminded every time I look at my phone to treasure you.
I once swore never to let myself fall so deep for anyone again. Countless heartbreaks, and unmet expectations. I was so sure the way forward was to guard myself, guard my heart. "So that when something happens, the goodbye would be easier" I told myself. Yet what is this feeling I have now? So fresh, and full of hope and love. The deeper I fall, the more frightened I get. If we were to say goodbye, this would be my last.
It's true I get jealous, and even a little angry, when I see other guys treat you like that. I know I shouldn't but I still do. I wish I could be the person you turn to, for everything, your confidant, your best friend, your "brother". I don't know if I can or ever will be. I want to be.
And I know you also get jealous when other girls talk to me. When they treat me as their "bestie" and brother, and I realize, it goes both ways. ;)
Memories
·
“I wrote your name over and over again”- the words, seemed to jump off the page. My mind started wandering, I remembered the look on your face when you came down the stairs, the way you smiled, despite your fatique.
“These hugs, never enough” as I thought of the way you pressed your body against mine, warm, and comfortable. I am reminded of the way I hugged you, cradled you while you tried to sleep. The feeling of your waist under my hand, the curve of your hips.
“kisses which tasted like sugar”- the way you pressed your forehead against mine, yearning for a kiss, yet reluctant, because there would never be enough. The kisses we exchanged, all too brief, yet full of passion. The way you left your mouth half open, as if begging me to take you then and there. I licked them, and they were sweet, deliciously so. I wanted so much more, more time, more you, more us.
“her voice, her hands, her touch”- I remember your face, the way your face curved down, your wet, sweat soaked hair matted to them, the way your mouth curled into a grin, but most of all, I remember your eyes, the way they looked at me, begging me to stay, even though I had to go.
I looked up, jolted back into the present. You aren’t here I realized, and all I have left are these memories to remind me of you. The joy, the love, the satisfaction, and behind all of it, the sorrow.
Sorry if I forget
·
I forget how much you love me,
How much you worry about me,
and how much you think of me.
Sometimes I don't remember,
Sometimes I don't remember,
How you make me feel,
the feeling of excitement when I see you
The intense attraction I feel for you
But when I see
But when I see
The pictures you show me
the way you smile in them
The way you look at the camera
like magic, transcending space and time
I feel you,
I feel the love
I feel the love
The way you look at me,
the way you don't at any one else
And I smile too,
Because I realize what a gem
I have finally found
I have finally found
Someone who is worthy
giving it all for.
How she makes me feel
·
She rested her head on my shoulder, her hair against my cheeks. I could smell it, it was a uniquely her smell, a combination of the shampoo she used and something else I couldn't quite pinpoint. My heart started beating like a jackhammer, rattling against my chest. I wonder if she could hear it, this feeling she gives me.
She slotted her arms under mine, her fingers, immediately finding purchase and interlocking with mine. Her hands were cold, probably from the can of Pepsi she had been holding, or maybe it was anxiety? She pressed her thigh close to mine, my heart skipped a beat. It was a familiar feeling, yet why did it still make my stomach flutter? Why did it make my heart beat like this? I placed my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, closer to me. It was comfortable, warm, and I thought, "If we could be like this forever, I shall want for nothing more..."
She closed her eyes to rest as I listened to her breathing. I want her. I want her so badly. I want to protect her, I want to tell her she is the best, I want to tell her how amazing she is, I want to tell her how beautiful she is, I want to tell her how good she smells, I want to tell her how her smile lights up my world. But most of all, I wanted to tell her that I love her. I grasp her hand tight, afraid that she might slip away in a moment of inconsideration.
Have I told you how I love you?
·
But when I did, it was beautiful. Not just in the poetic cheesy sense, but also in a wispy bubbly way. It was strange, feeling these strong feelings of attraction again. I wasn't ready, I didn't think I was capable of feeling again. I had to think for almost 5 months since after she confessed before agreeing to being with my ex and even then, I didn't feel this... this intense feeling.
This schoolboy feeling. The feeling you get when you first confess to the girl you like. Standing there in the hallway, hoping she didn't find you weird. Giving her your most sincere smile and hoping she doesn't notice the stain on your shirt. This, excitement, the excitement that comes with knowing something beautiful is about to transpire. Feeling your heart pump when you look into her eyes, trying hard not to scare her away.
I was so sure I had forgotten that feeling.
Yet when I saw you, you with your long straight hair, cute button nose sitting in between a pair of wide inquisitive eyes, framed by your glasses, and your lips, oh those lips, I would have given anything to be able to kiss those lips I thought. I saw you, and I felt like I have never felt in years. There I was again, looking at someone far above my station, someone I was so sure would never be able to love me.
I suppressed the feelings of course, I told myself, "It will pass. No point trying to get close, I have seen her types before, they will end up being too busy with school and all the other various activities they participate in. Keep your distance, keep your heart out of this."
And yet, the night before we met and I knew we would be alone due to the absence of out mutual friend. I found myself awake in bed, wondering, if I should talk to you, and if so, how? What could we possibly talk about? I didn't know much about you. And yet, I so desperately wanted to. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night.
Of course, I teased you the day after, I did not mean it of course, some part... no, a big part of me wanted it to just be a joke, that you didn't have any love interests, and that I could find a way to worm my way into your heart. When you said his name, I felt, to be honest, horribly devastated. He was a good guy, and I couldn't bear to take him from you, and you from him. I left, I put on my mask, and smiled.
I wish you could have seen the smile on my face when you texted me later that day. My heart was hopeful, but reserved. All I could do was offer you advice on how to approach him. Can you imagine how I must have felt? Giving advice to the girl I liked, on how to approach another guy. Horrible.
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